


Secrets

by goobiesboobies



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:27:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24546895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goobiesboobies/pseuds/goobiesboobies
Summary: JJ and Emily have been best friends since the day that Emily started at the BAU. They know everything about each other, except for one thing. Their love for each other. With a baby on the way, JJ hides in a hetero normative relationship, while secretly longing for her best friend. Emily on the other hand goes out every chance she gets, trying to hide the fact that she is madly in love with JJ.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 14
Kudos: 40





	1. I love him

"I don't understand it, Jennifer, why can't you resign for now?" Will screamed with frustration, "You're pregnant, it isn't safe for the baby."

"WIll, you know this job means everything to me. I can't just give it up. Nobody even knows I'm pregnant, well except for-"

"Emily." Will interrupts, "Of course she does." He finishes with spite

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I ask, my ears turning red with the frustration rising. 

"Well, you seem to tell her more than me nowadays. Why? I'm the father of our child, she's just some woman you met a year ago!" He screams.

"Because! She is my best friend," I shout with tears running down my cheeks, my stomach burning with rage as he belittles my best friend.

"Oh stop your crying, there is no need for that," Will says, clearly pissed off.

"What now Will? What did I do now to piss you off?" I ask hearing the tone of his voice.

"You just... You did everything. I feel like you don't love me anymore," Will says, knowing this will guilt me.

"You know that's not true," I replied with a soft face with a tinge of guilt, I know that I don't fully love him. Not the way I love her. Emily. She is perfect. Her hair as dark as a raven's feathers. Her skin pretty and perfect. Her brains beyond compare, her strength that is immeasurable. Not to mention the languages...

"JENNIFER!" Will screams, snapping me out of the daydream I was falling into, "Are you even paying attention?" 

"Yea-" I say as he interrupts me.

"No, the fuck you weren't and you know it, I'm done. Get out, I need my space," He screams at me as I start to sob, "And stop your damn crying."

"FINE!" I scream back angrily, I grab my go-bag, still packed from the case I just got home from. I grab my car keys and walk out the front door, phone in hand with Emily ringing. She picks up on the third ring.

"Hey Jayje, what's wrong?" She asks, her voice as smooth as silk.

"I- I- I- have n-no where to-to-to- go," I say through sobs.

"Hey, hey hey, calm down sweetheart, it will be okay. Come over to my place and let's talk, okay?" She asks soothing me with her voice.

"Okay, I'll be there in ten minutes," I respond, the tears falling less rapidly from my eyes.

I sit in my car and turn on the radio, and of course, as I do I hear the song Blackbird starts to play. Through tears, I start my car engine and start to drive to Emilys. I know I shouldn't go over there right now, but I need her. I need her to comfort me, I need her to love me. I need to feel loved again. I know she won't judge me for anything. I love her, wait no, I can't I start to think to myself. It isn't fair to Will. He deserves this, a child. I am the one who decided to sleep with him. I should have never done that. I can't just leave him for Emily. I can't hurt him like that. But Emily. She is perfect, her dark hair that matches her eyes, her lips that look softer than a pillow, her warm smile. When she smiles it lights up and the entire room, it never seems to fail. She can always seem to make me smile, even when I am in the darkest of places. It is crazy. I feel so much closer to her than I do Will. She just is perfect. We fit together like two puzzle pieces like we were meant to be. 

I finally arrive at Emily's house and I feel a wave of relief come over me. I feel safe again. I walk up the flights of stairs and knock at her door. She immediately opens and wraps me into a hug, I hug her back sobbing, as I inhale I smell her hair, it smells like lavender and strawberries. It is just so uniquely hers. 

"So what happened hon?" Emily questions me as she pulls me into her apartment, closing the door behind us.

"Will and I got into a big fight... He wants me to quit working at the BAU until after the baby is born." I say sadly.

"That is SO unfair of him!" Emily says to my defense. 

"I know, and then I said I couldn't because the job means too much, and no one knows except for you, and that got him pissed. He hates how close we are, he hates that I tell you more than him. Then he got so pissed he just told me to leave. He was so mad, I don't know what-" I say as Emily interrupts me.

"No, don't blame yourself. This is in no way your fault. He can't handle the fact that you have a friend of whom you trust, and then he kicks you out of your apartment because he is angry. That is his own problem. He is so controlling. You don't need that drama or his controlling ass." Emily says, slowly getting angrier and angrier. 

"I know, he said that he doesn't think that I love him anymore... The thing is... I don't know if I do, and that is terrible." I say leaning into Emily, "I mean, he is the father of my child, but these fights are coming more and more often. He doesn't seem to care. He just wants me to be a housewife. I can't do it Em, I just can't do it." I ramble

"Shhh I know," she says, rubbing my hair, "I know you can't. Why don't you sit here for a minute while I go get us some tea and we can just watch a cheesy rom-com together? Okay?"

"Yeah," I sniffle," That sounds perfect Em," I say, a smile slowly spreading across my face. 

Within 15 minutes we are cuddled under the same blanket on her couch watching 50 First Dates. I feel Em's hand on my thigh, I don't say anything, but I wonder if she realizes what she is doing.


	2. I love him not

I wake up to 6 missed calls and 12 texts from Will, I sigh as I look down to see Emily's arms wrapped around my torso making me feel safe. I try and move out of her grip to get my phone, but she wakes up with my movements.

"Jayje, what's wrong?" She says sleepily rubbing her eyes. 

I sigh as my phone rings for the seventh time. I look over at her and she nods with knowing eyes. I pick up the phone as I hear "Jennifer, what the hell. Why didn't you answer my phone calls?"

I quickly put the phone on speaker, bracing myself for the tears I can feel swelling in my eyes. "I was asleep, Will."

"Oh really, that's your pathetic excuse this time? I'm sure that you weren't. It's eleven in the morning, Jennifer. I want you home now. I don't care, we need to talk." 

"Will, I was up until 4 in the morning crying to Emily about you kicking me out of MY apartment last night. Excuse me if I slept late, I'm sorry that I didn't answer your calls this morning. I was asleep on the couch with Em." I say not realizing the mistake I just made.

"What now? You slept WITH Emily? So now you're a whore too? You know what I don't even want to see you. Have your girlfriend drive you over here to pick up your shit. I'm done."

"Will, I didn't-" I try and explain until Emily jumps in.

"Okay sir, first of all, I need you to shut the fuck up for a second. Second of all, Do you really think that JJ would ever cheat on you? Third of all, never and I mean never call her a whore again. I will not hesitate to roundhouse kick you in the face. You are a piece of shit Will, you know how lucky you are to have an amazing girlfriend like JJ? You are the father of her child Will and you decide to treat her like this? She is my best friend and she does not deserve this, so honestly, it will be my happiest pleasure to go get her things for her because she does not need your bullshit anymore." 

"Do you agree with her Jennifer?" Will asks me, questioning my response. I know he is trying to have his way, but I just can't let him anymore.

"Yes... I'm done. You won't be in my life anymore. I'm done with the bullshit, I'm done hiding the bruises that you gave me-"

"He FUCKING HIT YOU?" Emily screams in response.

"I'm done with it all Will, I can't do it anymore," I continue on ignoring Emily for just a second.

"Fine then, if that is really what you think then come get your stuff. Don't bother calling me when your kid is born either." Will says shouting. At this point I am bawling my eyes out, I can't tell if it is with sadness or rage. Maybe a bit of both. 

"Goodbye William," and with that, he hangs up the call. I turn into Emily and sob, my shoulders heaving into hers. She looks at me and kisses me on the forehead. Heat spreads across my head with her gesture. I look at her and just think about how perfect she is, how amazing she is. She is here with me not judging my ugly tears. I wonder if she knows how amazing he is, I truly love her. I'm honestly relieved that Will and I are over, its not fair to him. I don't love him as I love her. 

"Hey, are you okay?" Em says softly, running her fingers through my hair, soothing my sobs into subtle sniffs.

"Yeah, is it bad that I'm relieved? I'm glad that it's over. He was so controlling." Her hand starts to rub down my back as I wince.

"What, what's wrong?" She asks worriedly then she figures it out, "Is that where he would hit you?" 

"Yeah, my back, my legs, my arms, my eyes. Really anywhere he could. He stopped hitting my stomach after he found out I was pregnant, but he started to be rougher. He would grab me by my arms," I pull up my long sleeves to reveal a dark purple bruise.

"Oh my Gosh Jayje, how long has this been going on?"

"Three months after we started to date. I felt like I deserved it. I thought that I was in the wrong like I could prevent him from doing this if I just listened to him. If I gave him whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it." One tear falls down my cheek, Emily's thumb reaches up to wipe it away. 

"Well, I promise you that it is over. If he ever lays another hand on you I will personally beat his ass. He has no right to hurt you. He will never hurt you again honey. Do you understand?"

I nod my head and lean further into her. We sit on the couch until my sniffles stop, she just holds me, she makes me feel so safe. I know nothing can ever hurt me when I'm with her. 

________________________________________________________________________________

I sit on the couch with JJ just processing what just happened. I can't believe that I didn't know, that I didn't see what was happening with her and Will. I always thought that he was good to her. I guess that is what he wanted people to think. I start to rub circles on her back while she cries into my shoulder. She looks so beautiful, even when she is crying. I can't help but pepper kisses on the top of her head, I just want her to stop crying. She is so perfect, I can't stand the tears that stain her face. I am madly in love with her. Nobody knows nobody can know. I go out to clubs and bang whatever comes my way just to hide the fact that I am in love with my best friend. JJ talking snaps me out of my own head.

" Will you drive me to my apartment, please? I need to go get my stuff from there, I need to figure out where to stay too."

"Jayje, you can just stay with me. I have an extra room you can stay in, and when the baby comes they can stay in there with you." 

"Are you sure?" She asks "Em, you really don't have to do that for us."

"I know, but I love you and you need someone right now. I mean you are my best friend after all." I cringe at the last part. I mean she is my best friend, but I want her to be more. I want to raise the baby that she is carrying as ours. I want to kiss her and call her mine. "Also, of course, I will drive you over there. I don't want you going over there alone. I can't risk him being there and hurting you."

"Okay, and then after we get my stuff can we stop and get coffee and croissants?" She asks with the most adorable smile radiating across her face.

"JJ what type of question is that? Of course, we can." I say with a small chuckle.

I finally let go of her because her tears have stopped, "I'm going to go get dressed. If you want you can shower and then get dressed. I have towels under the sink if you decide you want to shower."

"Okay, I think I'm just going to get dressed," she says getting up from off of my lap. I watch her walk into the bathroom with her go-bag. I go into my bedroom and pick out my black leggings and oversized purple hoodie to wear. It is November, so there is a chill in the air. I walk into the living room and I see JJ sitting on the couch. She is wearing these baggy gray sweats that somehow are perfectly oversized and she is wearing a fitted black shirt. 

"Hey, it's cold outside. Do you want to borrow a hoodie?" I ask, slightly blushing at the idea of her in my clothes.

"Yeah, thanks Em," JJ replies as a small smile creeps across her face. Gosh, she is so pretty. No matter what she is wearing she always looks amazing. I can't help but stare at her.

After she picks my gray FBI hoodie I walk over to her and we walk downstairs to my car. I look up into the gray sky and then look back at her, I can see the tears starting to well in her eyes again. "Hey hey hey, what's wrong?"

"I just, I don't want him to be there. I'm scared that he's going to be there and he's going to hurt me, or worse you." Tears start to fall down her beautiful skin. 

"Honey, trust me. I will lay his ass out in 5 seconds flat if he lays a FINGER on you. Do you understand?" 

She nods back at me, and with that, we get into the car and start to drive.


	3. A New Beginning

Emily and I get to my old apartment, I tense up as I see Will's truck still parked outside.

"Damn it Em." I shake my head and bury it in my hands.

"What's wrong honey bunches?" She takes my hands into hers as she sees the distress running across my face.

"Will is still here. I think you should stay outside, he really doesn't like you. It will make it worse if you come in." I tell her, squeezing her hand gently.

"I will wait outside the door for you, something tells me you won't be here for long." She was ever so correct. I walk in the door and he already has everything packed.

"I already packed your shit, just grab it and leave," he says without even making eye contact. I take the engagement ring off of my left hand and I give it back to him.

"I won't need this anymore, Will. Goodbye. I'll update you on our baby if you would like me too."

"I don't want anything to do with that bastard child." He says with a final emotional punch. I pick up the three suitcases of which I would be living out of. I feel the tears start to swell but I ignore them until I get outside handing Emily a bag.

"Will you carry this please? It's too heavy for me," I ask with tears running down my cheeks.

"Yeah, but only if you explain what just happened."

'"I will, but after we get home. You might want some tequila for it. I have a lot of emotions to tell you, you might need it to get through my spiel." I say with a smile ever so slightly creeping up my cheeks.

The ride home is silent except for my sniffles. Once we get home I see Emily take out a shot glass and pour herself a shot, she offers me one but I point to my stomach and she remembers.

"Oh shit, my bad." She says laughing.

"So, I don't know what to do... My kid isn't going to have a father. I'm going to be a single mom and I can't imagine that for them. Will told me he wants nothing to do with that bastard child. As if it is MY fault that our kid is going to be a bastard. He is the one who fucked me without a condom on. I thought he had one on but he didn't, then two short months later here we are. I can't do it Em, I need someone. I don't think I ever truly loved him, I've loved someone before and it wasn't like how I loved Will." I start to say as Emily takes her third shot. "Hey, how about we slow down on those for a second? You've had three shots in the past 30 minutes."

"Ahhh you're no fun" Em responds joking with me.

"But anyway, I don't know how to do it. I can't leave them without another parent." I slip up and don't say dad.

"Oh, what if he had another mom?" Em says with a smirk

"I meant to say dad," I responded quickly, blushing. I can't let her know. What if she judges me?

"Did you though?" She keeps pressing.

"I mean the thought has crossed my mind, but no one is even interested so it doesn't matter," I say shrugging it off.

"Oh I know of someone, she is very attractive, she has dark hair and cream-colored skin, she is extremely smart and she can serenade you in more languages than one." She says blushing while looking over at me.

"Oh, you mean?"

"No, I- not if it's weird. I'm sorry, I just-" I lean over and kiss her without thinking. It is fast, but the heat rushes to my face.

"Oh my Gosh Em I am so sorry, I don't know why I did that I just-" she leans over and kisses me, this time slower, savoring every second of it, I pull away "Wait- your drunk Em. I can't let you do this drunk"

"I am not drunk, if you think that three shots get me drunk then you've never seen me on a Friday night," She replies pulling away for a second with a giggle.

"Well, you have had 3 shots of tequila in less than an hour, you are definitely not sober by any means. Wait, what am I doing? I literally just got out of an engagement and now I'm kissing my drunk best friend," I ramble on as I see Emily's face fall ever so slightly.

"JJ, it's me who has a crush on you, I don't want to just be your best friend. I want to be more. You are so perfect. Your hair the color of the sunshine, your eyes icy blue, your laugh that lights up the room. Just you Jennifer. I am in love with you." She says defensively.

"Emily I-, I don't know what to say..."

"It's stupid, I know, I'm sorry. You are literally straight. I don't even know why I said anything. AND you're pregnant. That is so stupid of me. I'm so stupid." I can't stand to see her beat herself up like this.

"Emily, no. You aren't stupid, but I think that you have a little too much tequila in your system to make these calls right now. Take a nap and we can talk about it when you wake up, okay?" I try and reason with her as I lean in and give her a kiss on her forehead. "I'm going to unpack in the guest room, lay down, and sleep. I'll wake you up in 2 hours if you aren't up by then. I'll brew you a pot of coffee." She lays down with an eye roll. Wow. I can't believe that she likes me. I mean, she could just be tipsy, but I think she meant it. I hastily start to unpack my clothes. I can't believe how quickly everything is changing. I'm pregnant, single, bi, and basically homeless. I reach down to feel the small bump starting form. I need to tell hotch soon, but not yet, I want to keep this between me and Emily. I wonder if my baby will grow up with two moms. I look down at the lack of a dent I have made in this unpacking. It doesn't feel real. I start to take out all of my clothes and separate them, then I see that I will pour sawdust all over everything I own. I let out a loud sigh. Shit, I don't know where her washing machine is... I guess this can wait until after she wakes up.

I walk into the living room and sit on the end of the couch trying not to wake the sleeping beauty next to me. I reach for my phone and I scroll through my social media as I feel Emily stir next to me. Shit, I woke her up. It's only been an hour so I guess it's sufficient.

"JJ" I hear her say groggily

"Yeah, what's up?"

"I meant everything I said, I hope you know. I'm serious," she says blushing.

"Well, can we talk about it while I do laundry? Will decided to make my life more of a hell hole and put sawdust all over my clothes, I need to wash them before anything else."

"Of course, I'll help you, I'll do anything for you."

Emily and I walk into the guest room and we each grab a suitcase. We take them into what I presume is her laundry room. It is at the very back of her apartment so I'm not surprised I didn't know where it was. As she unloads the suitcase she grabbed into the washer I say "So... I assume you remember the kiss too?"

"Yes Jennifer, like I said I wasn't drunk, I was just a little buzzed. Also, how could I forget it?" She replies, a deep crimson blush spreading over her ivory skin.

"How long have you felt that way, Em?"

"When did I join the BAU? Ever since then. You are literally perfect Jennifer Jareau. I know you probably don't feel the same way-"

I interrupt her "Emily, of course, I feel the same way. I've always loved you but it's been different than how I love my best friends like Reid and Garcia. I love you, Emily. I want to have a family with you, I want to be with you, Emily. I can't see a future without you. That's why I'm not that upset over losing Will. I honestly stayed with him just to keep my feelings for you a secret."

"Jayje, really?" Emily asks a smile creeping up the corners of her lips.

"Yes, of course, yes. I want you to be mine Emily Elizabeth Prentiss," I feel her hands wrap around my waist as she plants a kiss on my lips. Her lips are so soft, they feel like two pillows enveloping mine. I pull away and smirk, "So, what does this mean?"

"It means that I want you to be mine Jennifer Jareau. All mine. And that beautiful baby, I want them to be able to call me momma one day," She says kissing my forehead. I can feel the blush rising to my cheeks.

"Well Emily, I think that can be arranged. I hope that in 7 months from now this baby will have two mommies who love him, and I will have an amazing girlfriend."

"So, can I have the privilege to call you my girlfriend, Jennifer Jareau?" Gosh, her smile is adorable.

"Yes, of course, you can, but we need to keep it hidden for a few months so people don't assume that I cheated on Will with you. I'm sorry" I say adding an apologetic smile.

"Hey, never apologize to me for stuff like that, okay love? I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that asshole, but if it wasn't for him, you wouldn't have a very beautiful baby coming."

"You are absolutely right Em," I say nuzzling into her neck, without thinking I start to kiss her neck, a small moan escaping through her lips. I nibble on the skin leaving a purple mark.

"Hey, hey, hey, slow down babe. I mean, I'm not complaining, but there is at least on hickey that I can't cover-up. We have work tomorrow."

I pull away from her neck with a final kiss "I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself," I say kissing her on the jaw, "I really don't want to go into work, it is going to be so hard not to hold your hand, or kiss you."

"I know, it will be hard. But I already have to explain the hickey you left on my neck, so maybe it is best if we refrain for right now," She says through giggles.

"Hey, you know I love you?" I ask her

"You know I love you too right?" She responds as she kisses my cheek. We stand at the washer just holding each other until it goes off.


	4. The Day After

After a long night of talking and cuddling the alarm goes off at 6:30. I rolled over and looked at Emily, she was still asleep. I kiss her on the forehead as I push back the hair from her face. "Good morning beautiful, how did you sleep?"   
She looks at me with her beautiful brown eyes, and through a sleepy voice she murmurs, "Great since it was with you." Damn, I love this woman. I get up and walk into the bathroom, I glance down and I see that I have three hickeys on my chest, luckily I can cover them up. Emily on the other hand? Not so much.

I hear her call from the other room "Hey, I'm going to make some waffles since we don't have to be into work for two hours. Do you want me to make you some?"

"Yes please!" I called back, I was surprised. I'm not used to people cooking for me. Normally, it's JJ get me this, JJ cook me that. Then I remind myself that Emily is different from Will. She won't hurt me. I go over to the guest room, of which I won't sleep much in, to grab my work clothes. I grab a pair of black slacks, paired with a white tank top and a maroon blazer to go over it. I pull on my clothes as I walk into the kitchen.

"Damn!" I hear Emily exclaim.

"What?" I say in response. I think that she has hurt herself, or that she burned something but instead she looks at me.

"You're just beautiful. Also," she says as she puts her hands on my lower abdomen, "Your baby bump is starting to show. Not a lot, but I can see it. They are going to be perfect, just like their mother." She says as she leans down and kisses my forehead.

I blush as I look down at her hands on my stomach. I just started bawling. "I-I-I'm sorry... I'm not sad I promise. These are happy tears."

"Hey, don't cry baby." She looks at me and chuckles a little as she wipes my tears, "And don't apologize to me. What are you so happy about?"

"You, my baby..." I start to whisper, "Our baby."

"Our baby?" She says in a whisper.

"I mean if you want them to be yours too. I will raise them with two mommies." Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, I think to myself. Why would I say that? We've been dating for twelve damn hours.

"Of course I want them to be mine. I have always wanted kids, and I know that I love you that much Jayje." She smiles and walks over to a plate that she's made for me. "It has chocolate chip waffles, strawberries, and eggs. I don't know if you will want to eat them but I made them."

"Thank you, baby. It means a lot that you made me breakfast. Let me fix your plate while you go get ready for work and then we can sit and eat breakfast together." I watch her walk away. I put the same on her plate. She comes out and she is wearing a pair of dark wash denim jeans and a white three- quarters sleeve v-neck top. She looks gorgeous. I set her food down at the table before I walked over to her.

"You look amazing, Emily. I have always loved that one on you." I hug her and start to kiss her neck. I leave another small hickey before she pulls away.

"Jayyyjayyyy," she playfully wines. "I can't cover these up... You already know Morgan is going to bring it up."

"I know, but let's sit and eat. We have an hour before we need to leave and I still need to fix my hair."

We sit down and eat. Her food. Amazing. Normally I don't eat eggs, but hers are so amazing. "These are really good," I say with my last mouth full of eggs.

"Thank you hon. I'm going to clean up, why don't you finish getting ready? I'll meet you in the car."

I walk back into the bathroom, I have fifteen minutes. Okay. I take my hair and put it into a single bun, on the top of my head, braiding the ends and wrapping them around the bottom of my bun. It was quick and simple. I walk out to the car and Emily and I drive into work together.

We walk into the bullpen, I walk over to my desk and get started on the paperwork. I hear Morgan say "Damn Emily, what happened on your neck." Fuck. It hasn't been ten minutes yet.

"I had a very nice night with a very amazing woman," Emily replies quickly glancing over at me.

"Oh, do tell me about her." He says poking at her shoulders.

"Well, she is beautiful, like drop-dead gorgeous. She just got out of a pretty rough relationship. We've been friends for a while, and last night we decided to hang out. One thing led to another and here we are." Emily blushes, trying to avoid eye contact with me.

"What's this lucky lady's name?" Morgan teased.

"It is.... Classified," Emily says quickly, she started to blush and then stared directly at me.

"Oh... I see what is going on here. Emily is having a little workplace romance." Morgan whispers, nodding over to me.

I walk over to him, "Shut up. Don't say anything about it... please. It's new we just figured this out. I left Will two days ago, and it moved so quickly. I can feel Morgan looking down at my baby bump. "And yes. I am."

" Well, congrats, and congrats. I won't say anything to anyone. But you need to tell Hotch. How far along?" He asked, his tone of voice changing.

"I'm about three months along, I was actually planning on telling Hotch today. I was about to head up to his office." I said before turning and walking to Hotch's office.

I knock on Hotch's office two times "Hey, can you talk?" I asked calmly. I could feel my heart beating in my throat.

"Of course, come sit down." He gestures to the empty seats in front of him.

"So a couple of things," I pause and swallow, "I'm three months pregnant, the baby is Will's. But um... we uh... Will and I aren't together. He is kind of going off the deep end, so I was wondering if you could help me get a restraining order against him. I want to make sure that he stays away." I say, I know it looks like I'm hiding something else. I don't have a good poker face.

"Oh, first of all, congratulations on your pregnancy. You are going to be an amazing mother, you are so good with Jack." Hotch took in a deep breath, "Of course, I can help you. I'm so sorry that he is going off the deep end." Hotch looks at the fading bruise on my cheek," Did that mother fucker do that to you JJ?"

"Yeah, he did. I didn't want to tell you because I thought we would stop since I'm pregnant." I can feel a lump rising in my throat, "I know it was stupid." I start to rub my arms to calm myself down.

"Well, I promise he will never do it again. I will get you the paperwork and then make sure it gets filled out and it works through." Hotch smiles softly, "And JJ if you need a few minutes. Feel free to take them, we don't have a case yet."

I walk out of his office and head to the bathroom, I pull out my phone and text Emily. 'Hey, meet me in the bathroom. I need a hug right now, I just told Hotch.'

Within minutes I hear her bust into the bathroom. I'm sitting on the floor of the big stall. "I'm in the big one," I call out to her.

She knocks softly on the door, I reach up and unlock it for her. "Hey, baby, what's wrong?" She asks softly, taking my hand in hers rubbing circles on it.

"I told Hotch about the baby and about Will. I feel so stupid Emily. He abused me for years, why did I stay with him for that long? I know that I could have told someone, anyone, really. It would have stopped." I start to sob into her shoulders. She wraps me tighter.

"Hey Jennifer, look at me. I know that it is hard, but you can't blame yourself for the past. It isn't good for you, or our baby." Emily starts to rub the length of my back. "I promise baby girl, it will be okay. Never worry about what you could have done differently. You can't change it now, and even if you could, it would mean that you and I couldn't be together. Our baby couldn't have to mom's". I hear sniffing coming from outside of the stall. Emily and I share a look with each other.

I hastily call out "Hello?" I mean, it could be anyone really, but I hear an all too familiar voice.

"Um..." Garcia starts to say. "I was just coming in here to wash my hand. I'm sorry if I interrupted anything." I can hear the panic in her voice. I immerge from the bathroom stall and look at her.

"Don't worry about it, Garcia. Just, hold off on saying anything until Emily and I do." I glance over at my love, "I guess we are gonna have to do that a lot sooner than we thought, huh?"

Emily looks at me and smirks, "Yeah, I guess we will. You know seeing how this is..." She jesters to her neck vaguely, "They are going to figure it out sooner or later."

I see Garcia's jaw drop as she looks at Emily's neck "What the hell JJ, there are like four hickeys on her neck."

My cheeks flush a vibrant red, I can feel the heat rising up to them, "Hey! I couldn't help it." I put my hands up defensively, "We were just hugging and then one thing led to another."

Emily steps in, "aannnd that's enough of this conversation." She says looking at both me and Garcia, drawing out the first word.

Emily, Garcia, and I walk out of the bathroom and head to the briefing room. We have a case. Of course. I give Emily's hand a small squeeze before walking into the room. We sit on opposite sides of the table to ensure that we won't act coupley. After we all sit down Hotch looks at me and smiles.

He takes a deep breath and then proceeds to say, "Okay, before the case I have some lighter and happier news. We are going to add a new member to our team in seven months." Shit, I can feel all eyes on me.

I hear Garcia audibly gasp, I can see Emily smiling softly. Spencer looks at me and asks "JJ, are you pregnant?" He has the most adorable smile on his face.

"Yeah, I am. I'm about three months along. I don't know the gender yet. I and my girl-partner will find out in 2 weeks what gender our baby is." Shit, I slipped up with the pronouns. I look around and gauge the reactions. Hotch looks confused, Garcia just blushes, Morgan smirks, and Reid is the one who speaks about it.

"Jayje, did you start to say girlfriend?"

Shit.

I glance over at Emily and wait for her reaction, she slightly nods her head. It's now or never, "Yeah, I did. I have a girlfriend and she is pretty amazing. Before you ask, yes the baby is Will's. Also, no Will isn't in the picture and he won't be. Em-my girlfriend is the only other parent in the picture." I see Emily put her face in her hands, shaking it slightly.

"Wait, did you say Emily?" Reid asked. Of course. Of course, I had to slip it up.

Silence.

Emily decides to chime in now, "Yeah, she did. We were trying to keep it a secret, but to be honest we knew it wouldn't work very well. You guys are our family and we know that you won't judge us. Please, just don't talk a lot about it. It is still very new for us."

I just smiled because it was the only thing I thought to do. Hotch looked at me and still looked confused.

After Hotch briefed us and told us we had thirty minutes he walked over to me. "I thought Will just left?"

"He did," I say simply. I really just don't want to go into detail with him right now.

"How did you and Emily end up together then? I mean Will left like two days ago right?"

"She was there, I felt trapped with Will because of the baby. I've been in love with Emily for a year now. We just finally did something about it." I wait for a response but he doesn't give me one, all he offers is a head nod.

...

When we get onto the plane Emily and I sit next to each other. We know we need to keep PDA to a minimum because of the rules in place. She takes my hand in hers as we wait. She leans over and whispers "What did Hotch want?"

"He just wanted to know how everything worked between us seeing how Will and I just broke up," I say flatly, clearly annoyed.

"Are you okay, babe?" She asks, her voice filling with more and more concern.

"I will be, I'm just pissed right now." I say as I lean into her shoulder, "I mean why do people have to pry? I slipped up on accident, but it didn't warrant a questionnaire." I feel the heat rising to my face as I get angrier and angrier. I feel her hand slip down to my back rubbing it gently. I close my eyes in an attempt to calm down.

10\. I hate this anger

9\. I hate this pain

8\. I love Emily

7\. I love my child

6\. I love my team

5\. I love my job

4\. I hate these criminals.

3\. I love wine. Oh, how I miss it.

2\. I love my friends.

1\. I love myself.

I count down to calm myself down, but this time it makes me drift into sleep. I fall asleep in Emily's arms and I have never felt safer.


	5. Our New Normal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: this chapter will have a mention of rape and suicide.

I wake up to Emily calmly rubbing my back to wake me up, "Hotch is giving us our assignments," She whispers softly into my ear. 

I sit up and slip my hand into hers, feeling her thumb rubbing circles onto the back of my hand.

"Morgan and Rossi, go investigate the crime scene, Reid and I will go to the local station to talk to the police chief, JJ and Emily go interview the families," Hotch says, "We land in 15 minutes, so get your stuff together." 

I look over at Emily, she is sitting with one leg under her and her leg on top of the other foot. I laugh quietly to myself, and then I tell her, "You look so gay right now."

"With what? My outfit, holding your hand, our matching hickeys, or with how I'm sitting," She pulls out her makeup bag and finally decides to cover her hickeys since she has to talk to the victims' families.

"All of it," I look at her and smile in response, giving her hand a small kiss. This warrants a look from Hotch.

He then follows his look by a generalized statement, "Remember, we are professionals, our job comes first in the field, this means no PDA." 

I can feel Rossi looking over at Emily and me, I lean over to her, "I know it's directed at us, but Morgan and Reid are lucky that Hotch doesn't know about them. They are more touchy-feely than us," I whisper, laughing afterward. 

"Look, you can see the redness flush over to Reid's face, he glances over at Morgan, and then BOOM, the wink," Emily whispers back to me, laughing.

The plane lands and we all go our separate ways. Emily and I look over the case files before interviewing the families. The unsub is killing women aged twenty-five to thirty-five, all single without children. He prefers brunettes. He rapes them, tortures them, and then kills them three days after they are taken. The latest victim, Samantha Green was reported missing yesterday, so they only had 48 hours to find her alive. 

Emily and I walk into the first room which has the first victim's parents. Violet Buchamer. She was twenty-eight years old. 

"Hi Mr. and Mrs. Buchamer, I am Supervisory Special Agent Jareau, and this is Agent Prentiss," I say with my bravest smile, "Can you give me any details about Violet's life?" I ask kindly.

Mrs. Buchamer is the first to answer, "My daughter- Violet, she was always so careful, she never went anywhere alone. She always went to bars or clubs with friends. She was about to graduate with her Ph.D. for psychiatry, she had just gotten out of a relationship with her partner, Jessica." 

I interrupt her quickly, "Was your daughter gay?" I ask respectfully.

This time Mr. Buchamer responds, "It honestly was just a rebellion phase, she got to college and wanted to rebel. She did this by being with that... that girl." 

I must look horrified because Emily calmly puts her hand on mine before she says, "Sir, I am going to have to ask you to keep your personal thoughts or comments on your daughter's sexuality to yourself. Unless of course, you have something useful to add, so please I will ask this time. Was Violet gay?" 

"Yes, she was. She never dated any boys in high school, she started dating Jessica when she was twenty-five. I was always more accepting than her father." Mrs. Buchamer says.

"Thank you, ma'am," I say in a calm manner, "I will make sure to update you guys if we find anything new." 

I walk out of the room and my hand starts to shake. I look over at Emily, "That man is terrible. His daughter was raped, tortured, and then brutally murdered, and the thing he has the audacity to focus on is her sexuality? Saying all of those terrible things about her, she is dead Emily, dead. Most likely because of her sexuality." I say. I can feel the lump in my stomach start to form. 

"Jayje, calm down. It's okay, I know it sucks, but it is okay." Emily says to me, taking me out of the main office, into the girls' bathroom so we can talk without being overheard. 

"Emily, those women could have been us. That man doesn't understand that. His daughter is a victim, and the first words out of his mouth are spewing hate? Does that make any sense to you?" I say, my body feeling heavier, the pit in my stomach sinking deeper. My throat starts to feel tight and pressure pounds at the back of my eyes. 

"Jennifer," She says in a soothing voice, "Those women could be us, but they aren't. Right now we have to focus on finding the man who is killing these women like us, to make sure he can't do it anymore," She pulls me into a tight hug before continuing, "I'm sorry that he said those things, and I promise we can talk about them later, but right now we need to talk to these families and show them that someone is here and that someone cares." 

I squeeze her tightly before letting go, backing away, and saying, "Thank you. I really needed that hug. Let's go finish those interviews," I pause slightly, looking down at my feet before returning eye contact, "I'm sorry for getting upset. It was unprofessional."

She looks at me shocked, "JJ, you are a person, those words hurt you, and that is perfectly okay. You didn't expect them to, and now we can work through the pain. Don't ever apologize for being a person."

With those last words and a quick forehead kiss, we went back out to interview the families.

...

An hour later the team regroups to talk about what they found out from their interviews or investigations. We have all collectively decided that this man has some sort of emotional trauma, just like most of our unsubs. We know that he is hunting women who just got out of relationships with other women. 

"What if a close family member of his was gay? Maybe he grew up with that type of hate," I interject, "Garcia, can you run suspicious deaths in this area dating to the past 20 years. Specifically, women aged twenty-five to thirty-five?" 

"Of course, my fine furry friend. Hmm. That gives us a scary one hundred names. Anything else to narrow it down?"

"Try women who were in very religious families, like generational pastor families, or women who were sent to conversion therapy."

"Okay, we have three names now. One was the last in kin, so we can cross her off. One doesn't have any family who lives in the area, so that leaves Amanda Ridges, she was twenty-eight when she died. All of the men in her family were pastors dating back to the early 1900s, except for her brother. Her brother Andrew Ridges lives five miles from the dumpsite. I sent the address to your phones, be safe my loves!"

We get into our SUV's and drive the anxious ten minutes to his address. I sit in the backseat with Emily. We are hand in hand, she squeezes my hand, to tell me that it will all be okay. I see Morgan and Reid holding hands as well. Morgan looks in the rearview mirror and smiles up at us. 

As we pull up to the scene, I pull on my vest and then get out of the car, my hand on my Glock. I watch Morgan go to the front door and kick it in, I follow behind him after he clears the front room. I see someone going down the stairs. 

"Andrew Ridges, FBI!" I shout, chasing after him as he runs downstairs to his basement. I feel Emily grab my arm as she goes in front of me. 

"You aren't chasing him," she says to me quietly.

We go down the stairs where he is holding Samatha Green. Her clothes are torn, she is beaten, he has a gun to her head."

"Drop your weapon!" I say powerfully

"Why should I? She is just a filthy, worthless, piece of trash. She deserves to die." 

"No, she doesn't. Now drop your weapon, don't make me shoot." I say, trying to make sure my voice doesn't waver. 

"She is just like Amanda," He says while moving the gun in his hand.

"Come on Andrew, you know there was nothing wrong with Amanda." I hear Emily say firm, yet calm.

"She's just like me," he says before turning the gun on himself, letting the victim go. I grab the victim and pull her behind me, hugging her tightly. 

"Andrew, you aren't dirty, you aren't filthy, you aren't worthless. Your family is filled with hate. Don't let them win again, Andrew. They won when they killed Amanda, don't let them win with you," I hear Emily continue, "Just put the gun down please."

I see his finger move to the trigger before I could do anything he shot himself. My breath lets out in a rigid gasp as I go over and check his pulse. I can hear Samantha crying, I look over my shoulder and see Emily hugging her tightly, telling her everything is going to be okay.

I walk over to Samantha, "I am so sorry that he did these things to you, but you are so incredibly strong. You are not disgusting, or vile, or anything else that he said." She just nods her head, and we walk her out to the ambulance. 

After we get everything at the crime scene settled we head back to the precinct. I let out a quiet sigh as I sat in the car, sinking down into the seat. I feel Emily's hand on top of mine, causing me to relax instantly. I take a inhale deeply before saying, "That was a rough one." 

I can feel Derek look back at me. I'm not one to discuss how cases affect me to anyone. I generally try to keep it in, but this time I just couldn't. It hits a little too close to home for me. Suicides are always rough because of Ros, but this time it was a little harder because of the homophobia associated with it. 

"What's on your mind?" I hear Derek ask me.

"I'm just running over the case in my head," I muster a fake smile that I can flash to him. I look over and I see Emily shake her head slightly, doing her signature eye look. She knew something was up, but she wasn't going to bring it up around other people. 

...

After a three-hour plane ride back to Quantico, I was exhausted. I knew that when we got home Emily was going to be on my ass about what was wrong. I was being distant, I knew it, the others knew it. I just had to separate myself from them for a moment. I needed to hide. 

Emily has already finished her paperwork, so she is patiently waiting for me to finish mine so we could go home. Thirty minutes later I finish up, I turn in my work to Hotch and I walk down into the bullpen where she is waiting for me, sitting on my desk. 

"Ready to go?" She asks me softly when she sees me walk into the bullpen. 

"Yeah," I say quietly looking down 

She takes my hand and we walk out of the office, out to her car. She opens my door and shuts it after I climb into my seat. She gets settled into her seat and then she starts to drive. The car ride is silent besides the silent hum of the engine. Her hand rests on my thigh as a silent reminder that she was here. I appreciated it more than she would ever know. 

We get into her apartment at 11:30 at night, neither of us has eaten yet, "Hey, do you want to order some pizza?" She asks me as she sits onto the couch. 

"Sure, that's okay with me." 

She quickly changes the subject, "You know you can't hide forever," she pauses, "I know it's hard, but you need to get it out. I won't tell anyone babe, but you need to talk this out. I can see that you are mentally in pain. I won't even say anything if you don't want me to, I'll just sit and listen. But you need to get this out." 

"I know I can't hide Emily. You don't understand. You act like you do but you don't. So much shit has happened and I can only hide. I have nothing else. I tell people shit and then they treat me like a victim. I don't want you to treat me like a victim."

"Jennifer. I would never treat you like a victim. I'm just here as your girlfriend. Not as a co-worker, not as a profiler, just your girlfriend. I want to know how I can help you. How can I make the pain you are feeling go away?" 

I go and sit next to her, leaning a little too hard onto her. I feel her arm slip around me, hugging me loosely. "Okay," I exhale heavily, "First it was the homophobic comments, I'm new to this. I've heard them before, but they hurt me worse this time. They affected me. It hurt to see that a father cared more about his daughter's sexuality than her death. I thought 'what if that's my dad,' and it scared me. Then the unsub held that poor girl hostage, telling her terrible things she will never be able to erase from her brain. We found out that he was gay, and then he killed himself. Suicide is always a touchy subject... Ever since Ros. But this was the first time I have ever seen someone kill themselves. It was the first takedown I have been a part of where I see it end like that. The homophobic comments mixed with the suicide just broke me for a moment," I notice the tears falling like roaring raindrops down my cheeks, "I figured if I shoved the feelings down far enough, they would go away like they normally do. I thought I could stop feeling them." 

Emily takes both arms and wraps them around me, "Baby girl. The comments will always sting just a little, and I'm sorry that I can't tell you that they won't. But, I can tell you that they get easier to hear. It just takes time. I don't know what you are feeling with losing Ros, but I know that it hurts. I know that it hurts so bad. I am so sorry that I wasn't paying attention to his actions, and your response. Normally, you take the victim, so you never see the unsub commit suicide. I'm sorry that you had to today. It is normal for it to hit hard, but I know it is hitting you harder. I promise you that I am right here, you can cry it all out right here while we eat pizza," she squeezes my shoulders a little bit, "But promise me that you will talk to me when you feel like this. I know that it is hard, and it is something that I struggle with, but JJ I love you, and I don't want to watch you fade away." 

The tears are thundering down angrily, I can't say anything so I just look at her and nod before going back into her warm embrace. I feel her kiss my forehead gingerly as if to not break me. I situate myself on the couch so I can lay my head into her lap. I feel one of her hands stroke my hair, as the other orders our dinner. After she orders the pizza she puts her phone down and places a hand on my small baby bump. She looks at me and smiles down as we sit in perfect, calming silence. My tears finally slow, only the occasional hiccup comes from my mouth now. 

Thirty minutes later the pizza comes, while Emily answers the door I go into the room and change into a pair of my sweat pants and her hoodie before going to sit on the couch. She looks at me and smiles when she sees me in her hoodie. 

She sets the food down quickly before going to change herself. We sit and eat pizza and talk. Talk about our childhood, the happy and sad times. I talk to her about losing Ros. She talks to me about her mom never being around, being raised by the nannies that her mother hired. I look at the clock in her living room and see that it reads 4:30. 

"Babe, we need to go to sleep. It's late." I say yawning.

I lay down in her bed first, her following a few moments later. She lays next to me and I tuck my head into her shoulder, her arm extending behind me. She strokes my hair in a soothing way, soft and gentle. 

I kiss her softly, "I love you, Emily." I say in a soft voice.

"I love you too, Jayje." She says matching my tone. 

I feel my eyelids getting heavier, the weight of sleep pressing on them. Within a few minutes, I feel them flutter shut as I give into the sleep that is weighing so heavily onto me.


	6. Not an official update

Hey guys! So, I really haven't felt motivated to write this story, but I am trying to push some stuff out. Please let me know if you guys want me to continue this story, as I don't want to disappoint anyone. I am truly sorry I haven't been updating like I was. I just haven't been in the best place mentally and I am falling out of love with this story. I am going to take some time and work on something else, so I am going to be on a hiatus. It may be temporary, but I just need to take time and pressure away from working on this story because I have no desire to work on it as of now. Thank you for understanding, and as always feel free to leave feedback in the comments.


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